I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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