I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
