I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
