It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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