You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
