I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
