He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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