Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
