We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
