you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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