90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
