So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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