I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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