I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
