So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
