I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
