Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
