I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
