I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
