and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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