Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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