Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
