I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
