She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
