Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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