I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
