So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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