did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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