I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
