she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
