ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My life is pants optional.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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