Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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