who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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