So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
