hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
