a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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