Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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