I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
