My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
