i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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