my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
