I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
