i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
