He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
