i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
