God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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