Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
