I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
