I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
