Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
