Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
