i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
