he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
