I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's blow job season.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
