I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
